YEARS OF WISHFUL THINKING...?

It has now been 2 1/2 years since my sister passed away. I find myself feeling pain at my loss of her every bit as acute as it was the day I was told she had passed from time-to-time but not nearly as often as I felt the pain back then. Thank goodness it is not a feeling I feel everyday but it does happen to me often enough to know I am not at all through with this session of the grief process. Sometimes someone who look like her from a distance or from behind, a smile like hers, her favorite scent, a song she liked, some random thought of her, a poem she recited to me, a book she recommended I read, a movie she like talking  with me about or some scripture she would often quote...all of these and so many more like them can often send me hurling back into that same painful place I found myself in 2 1/2 years ago when I first heard that she had passed away! I remember everything that happened the day  I heard she died; who was there with me, what I was doing and what they were doing.

 

I read a book many years ago, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, which led me to believe that this painful time would only be about a year long. I am here to state that in my experiences with death and loss, especially related to my sister who was such a dear and close friend in addition to being my sister, that time related to grief and loss are as unique and different as each one of us are from one another! Joan Didion may have found herself in her painful state of "Magical Thinking" for about one year but after 2 1/2 years I still sometimes wake up, think that it has all been a very bad dream, hope she will call me tonight and/or when I open my inbox in my email account I hope to find that most desirable letter from her amongst all of the spam. My "Year of magical Thinking" continues on yet!

 

I found it very painful to receive very little comfort from the members of my church congregation but found much comfort from my immediate family, a few extended family members and some very sweet and loving close friends. A good support system has been very important in helping me to go through all of the different stages/steps of grief. (7-10-13)

Now as I approach the fourth year since her passing I feel quite differently now and I can state that I am no longer in any "Year of Magical Thinking". Oh I do miss her dearly and every bit as much as I did the day I heard of her passing but now I can speak of her name with a smile and more often than not without a trace of quiver in my voice nor a mist in my eyes. I do so still wish she would call me on some lonely Sunday night or that I might find a letter from her in my inbox but I know these things are not going to happen. I love wearing a few articles of clothing that were hers that still fit me as the others too large for me were given to close family members and friends. I have to deliberately relive some of my memories of her in odd quiet moments so I can visit her in my thoughts but even now I find these odd moments are happening less and less. Last year at the anniversary of her death I was finally able to enjoy Halloween for the first since her passing...so I know that I am moving on. This year her birthday was a short and sweet walk down memory lane and without tears. What does keep her alive in my heart every day now is that I must get back to working on our book, hers and mine. (7-13-14)

Now