YEARS OF WISHFUL THINKING...?

It has now been 2 1/2 years since my sister passed away. I find myself feeling pain at my loss of her every bit as acute as it was the day I was told she had passed from time-to-time but not nearly as often as I felt the pain back then. Thank goodness it is not a feeling I feel everyday but it does happen to me often enough to know I am not at all through with this session of the grief process. Sometimes someone who look like her from a distance or from behind, a smile like hers, her favorite scent, a song she liked, some random thought of her, a poem she recited to me, a book she recommended I read, a movie she like talking  with me about or some scripture she would often quote...all of these and so many more like them can often send me hurling back into that same painful place I found myself in 2 1/2 years ago when I first heard that she had passed away! I remember everything that happened the day  I heard she died; who was there with me, what I was doing and what they were doing.

 

I read a book many years ago, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, which led me to believe that this painful time would only be about a year long. I am here to state that in my experiences with death and loss, especially related to my sister who was such a dear and close friend in addition to being my sister, that time related to grief and loss are as unique and different as each one of us are from one another! Joan Didion may have found herself in her painful state of "Magical Thinking" for about one year but after 2 1/2 years I still sometimes wake up, think that it has all been a very bad dream, hope she will call me tonight and/or when I open my inbox in my email account I hope to find that most desirable letter from her amongst all of the spam. My "Year of magical Thinking" continues on yet!

 

I found it very painful to receive very little comfort from the members of my church congregation but found much comfort from my immediate family, a few extended family members and some very sweet and loving close friends. A good support system has been very important in helping me to go through all of the different stages/steps of grief. (7-10-13)

Now as I approach the fourth year since her passing I feel quite differently now and I can state that I am no longer in any "Year of Magical Thinking". Oh I do miss her dearly and every bit as much as I did the day I heard of her passing but now I can speak of her name with a smile and more often than not without a trace of quiver in my voice nor a mist in my eyes. I do so still wish she would call me on some lonely Sunday night or that I might find a letter from her in my inbox but I know these things are not going to happen. I love wearing a few articles of clothing that were hers that still fit me as the others too large for me were given to close family members and friends. I have to deliberately relive some of my memories of her in odd quiet moments so I can visit her in my thoughts but even now I find these odd moments are happening less and less. Last year at the anniversary of her death I was finally able to enjoy Halloween for the first since her passing...so I know that I am moving on. This year her birthday was a short and sweet walk down memory lane and without tears. What does keep her alive in my heart every day now is that I must get back to working on our book, hers and mine. (7-13-14)

Now

 

       WEIGHT LOSS DIARY

JANUARY 2013

This month I weighed in at 235 lbs and it scared me to death, not really but it was very frightening! Over the previous months I had come to realize my weight was creeping up more and more every year and if I didn't do something about it I might find myself topping the scale at 300 lbs...OR MORE! So  I began to exercise portion-control and found myself losing quite a lot of weight! 

FEBRUARY 2013

This month I weighed in at 227 lbs, 8 lbs less than I did last month...yay! Other than portion control I did nothing else to lose weight but somehow found it disturbing nonetheless because later on in the month I found I was losing more weight and to me it was all much too mysterious! So I decided I needed some help with my weight-loss goals so I went to see my doctor because I felt too much like a ship without a rudder or a map!

MARCH 2013

I weighed in at 220 lbs this month and even though I am excited to lose an additional 7 lbs. I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor. When I went in I told him all of my health concerns including my weight concerns i.e. hypothyroidism, pernicious anemia, joints (including right hip, both knees and my back) and all the diets I had been on over the years, none of which worked for me. I submitted to several tests, lots questions and some personally painful comments such as "You are morbidly obese!" I had to tell him the truth about everything and two weeks later the results were in and it was confirmed that I am morbidly obese...ouch! He then told me I should go on a diet and he recommended Atkins. He explained that all the other diets I had been on were high-carbohydrate diets which was probably why they did not work for me but this time the low-carbohydrate diet will probably work for me. So this month I began a new eating lifestyle and went shopping  for several Atkins books, new food choices and to sign up to join Golds Gym.

A few days later I was eating only a few low-carb vegetables and some other foods considered by Atkins to be fruits...avocados, olives and tomatoes, get real! I am also eating dairy and meats, which I enjoy very much but thought I couldn't eat because I thought I was lactose-intolerant! I have begun noticing a really big thing about my body almost right away....my face began to clear up some but not from eliminating dairy because I eat lots of dairy everyday. I suspect my face is clearing up due to eliminating grains. I had a lot of problems with wheat and corn when I was small so perhaps I will focus in on them first when I begin to add the whole grains back into my diet.

APRIL 2013

I weighed in this month at 214 lbs. a loss of 6 lbs. I am going down in weight each month! In spite of all the foods I am eating! I am excited to lose more weight each month and I feel better. When I lose 15 lbs on my new Atkins diet I get to begin reintroducing whole grains one at a time and some additional fruits and I have only 1 lb. to go!!!! I am rather enjoying my stint eating a few fresh vegetables, cheeses and meats but most of all I enjoy finding creative ways to enjoy and combine my limited choices. I cut cucumbers very thin and use them as chips to dip into some of the many different flavors of cream cheeses! I roll up cucumbers with yogurt dips into a thin salami or pepperoni for my version of food roll-ups...yum! I stuff sweet peppers with sour cream, chopped sweet red onions, chopped pepperoni and a few black or green olives...so divine! 

MAY 2013

I weighed in this month at 209 lbs and I began adding one whole grain at a time and some additional fruits to my diet! My first grain to begin eating is wheat. It only took 2 days of eating it to realize it was going to be a problem for me if I continued to eat it so I immediately began to start eliminating it from my diet! I have to read labels like I am a detective solving a serious murder mystery and I can tell almost immediately when I have eaten something with wheat in it because the pains in my gastric system are excruciatingly severe and the explosive gas is almost as painful as the colon spasms! I cannot trust anyone but myself to detect the wheat in any given food because no one else seems to care as much as I do that I am no longer eating wheat, or wheat products! I have had friends and family both offer me things they assure me has no wheat in it later to find out it did! So now I am extremely suspicious of any food and anyone bearing any food...I don't trust anyone unless they are a gluten-free dieter or food unless the label states gluten-free or I can see that it is gluten-free!

JUNE 2013

I weighed in this month at 205 lbs and again I am excited though my weight loss does seem to be moving onto more of a slope nonetheless I am happy to have lost another 5 lbs. I am still working on eliminating wheat and adjusting to the loss of it. I am hoping to eventually be able to walk through a bakery and not touch anything, taste anything or buy anything...we shall see! My husband is not overly helpful and I would not call him a diet buddy. He is pre-diabetic and he brings home pastries, breads and other wheat temptations, does not join me at the gym either nor will he take a walk with me!

JULY 2013

I weighed in this month at 203 lbs. I am excited I lost and did not gain and so now I have lost 32 lbs since January! I continue to struggle with my addiction, attachment and preoccupation with wheat and wheat products! I long for a toasted bagel, a hot dog or hamburger or sandwich on a bun, bread or roll! I long for cheesecakes, brownies, waffles (even though I don't like them very much!) and the list goes on and on seemingly endlessly!

AUGUST 2013

I weighed in this month at 200 lbs and I am thrilled beyond thrill to be finally at 200 lbs because it has been more than 10 yrs since I have been at this weight! I still struggle daily with wheat wishes and I even dream of wheat confections and other bakery delights! I cannot say that it is getting easier but I am still extremely determined to conquer it because I know I feel better when I do not have any wheat in my system, so I will continue to stay away from the horrible grain that brings me so much indigestion and pain! 

SEPTEMBER 2013

I weighed in this month at 204 lbs and even though I am gaining I have finally conquered wheat. I can walk through a bakery and not touch, taste or buy anything with wheat in it. I am coming to enjoy rice crackers and other gluten-free products. I know I can live without wheat for the rest of my life and I will be okay because I know I am pain-free! I did so well going off wheat that I have begun to go off of corn. I am finding it such an easy go because I spent all those previous month mentally pining over wheat and struggling without it that I don't have to do the same with corn!

OCTOBER 2013

I weighed in this month at 204 lbs too and I am continuing to do well without corn. I occasionally slip but mostly I am doing well. When I slip I just focus in on my body to know how the corn is making me feel and what I have found is that I might be able to eat corn treated with lime, the way the Mexicans and Native-Americans do but I won't re-introduce it back into my diet until I am done eliminating various food.

NOVEMBER 2013

I weighed in this month at 204 lbs again and I recognize that I must be on some kind of plateau. It's okay because I am learning things about me and my sell-control and about my body's responses to various foods. I have now successfully eliminated both wheat and corn from my diet, with minor glitches related to discovering hidden grains after the fact.

DECEMBER 2013 

I weighed in this month at 204 lbs!

JANUARY 2014

I weighed in again at 204 lbs just like in December! I'm struggling with hidden wheat!!!! It seems to be in everything, food, snacks, fast foods, toilet paper, napkins, paper towels, wipes, toothpaste! I feel overwhelmed at times and even though I feel such gastric distress whenever a consume anything with wheat I feel the effects of it personally whenever I look in the mirror and see my face broken out again, reach inside my ears to scratch finding a sore, rub my eyes to find them crusty again and many more such trivial complaints that add up to extreme nuisance and aggravation because WHEAT SEEMS TO BE IN EVERYTHING!!!!

FEBRUARY 2014

I weighed in at 200 lbs this month...yay! I still do not have a handle on controlling the wheat that doesn't go into my mouth but I am getting a little better at it. Today my face look fairly good. I discovered a toothpaste without wheat in it and for the first time in my life I brushed me teeth to find afterwards my mouth didn't hurt and the next day I did not have sores in my mouth. No I have not been brushing my teeth everyday because of the intense pain doing so has caused to me but I brushed last night, this morning and this afternoon. As soon as I get home I'm going to eat and brush again; and perhaps I will brush before I go to bed too...anything might happen now that I have found wheat-free brushing!!!! I'm getting the feeling I just might succeed with this new eating lifestyle---sans the wheat!!!!

I should probably address some of my NEW YEAR'S GOALS. First I must state clearly I do not like resolutions, never have, still don't and likely never will! I am watching everything I put into my mouth and am proactive about checking out places before I eat anything there. So I now know that few places are okay for me to eat at...Wendy's Baja Chili Salad is a plus because it is wheat free and I enjoy the fries there; O'Charley's has a steak salad I find delightful but I have to eat oil and vinegar on it; I do not eat at McDonald's or KFC or Arby's because almost everything there at both places is filled with wheat (so why bother?); and, I do still enjoy tacos at Taco Bell and the beans. That's about it. My husband brings salads home to share with me from Papa Murphys, the Greek Salad, and the Spinach Salad from Kroger, yum-yum!

I make my own tuna salad, chicken salad and such because I cannot trust anyone else but me to make it right. I eat Johnsonville gluten-free sausages, Udi bakery products, rice crackers and rice cakes which state gluten-free on them and others. I do not drink much soda anymore maybe once or twice a month, if that often. I have found there is no reason for me to give up dairy because cow's are not a problem to me but I do prefer goat and sheep milk products if I can get them. I read labels on all dairy products because many of them have wheat in them...which is a really big no-no for me! I do not long for wheat bakery items such as buns, bread, rolls, bagels, cookies, cakes, brownies, pies etc. because of how they make me...TERRIBLE!

Unlike folks with Celiac Sprue, I can eat Kamut, which is an Egyptian wheat. It gives me no problem at all; in fact my Kamut flakes were eaten up my oldest granddaughter who liked it so much better than any other cereal she had ever tasted! Humm, that makes me think alot about the taste of GMO wheat as well as the effects of eating it, at least to me. Maybe it is not good for everyone...not just me?

MARCH

I now weigh under 200 lbs. I see my scale bounce around in the range of 196-199 lbs range. This is something I have not experienced for many years; I fit in smaller clothes; and, the clothes I currently wear fit better. I cannot afford to replace my clothes but they are much more comfortable with my smaller physique! I cannot see my weight loss when I look in the mirror, likely because I gain weight evenly all over my body but I do like seeing my fairly new jeans begin falling down off of my hips during the course of a day.

I am still struggling with hidden wheat but the really difficult thing that happens when I go off of wheat for any length of time is that I become more sensitive the next time I encounter hidden wheat! My body responses become more pronounced after any length of time without it! I really do not know how well I am doing eliminating wheat from my diet other than the fact that slowly my weight is creeping down but my face, eyes, ears, nose and other places are still clogged-up most of the time, except when I eat natural foods for a week or more then everything begins to loosen up ie my face clears up from the sores, redness goes away, along with the heat the redness generates, my ears produce less wax, the scabs in my nose go away, eye grit lessens and other more private systems lessen too. I'm having such a hard time embracing the fact that I am going to have to live without most of the sausages I love, KFC, rotisserie chicken, Jr Whoppers, sweet rolls, donuts, croissants, bagels, saltines, hotdogs,  hotdog buns, luncheon meat, sandwich bread, and so many other foods I enjoy! I do feel better without them because all the pain goes away when I stay away from them and I lose weight faster when I stick with eating foods that I can see the ingredients in...foods with only nature's foods in it! I'm not there yet.

APRIL 2014

I am still struggling with hidden wheat and finding it everywhere. I weighed in at 204 lbs.

MAY 2014

I am still struggling with hidden wheat and again finding it everywhere. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and am sinking into an eating depression. I weighted in at 205 lbs.

JUNE 2014

This month I gave up and ate anything I wanted to. Wheat is everywhere and now I'm not so sure it is only wheat that is my problem but other grains as well. I had planned to go back on the beginnings of Atkins but I was laid off and now I cannot afford it. As soon as I get another job I will begin at the beginning again. At the beginning of this month I weighed in at 205 lbs. It is nice that I am still wearing smaller clothes, those that I was wearing in the winter months of 2012, but when I took a look at myself in my full length mirror I could see that I still have the same proportions of fat. I went online at the direction of a former co-worker to find the details of the Paleo-Diet and found that this diet is pretty much the same as the O-diet (ER4YT) except that all meats, all vegetables, all nuts/seeds, all beans and all grains are all allowed. This month is going to be my time to regroup and develop new strategies and a completely different game plan in my goal to move, get healthy, eat right and lose some weight. 

As I went back today to edit my past entries I noticed something very important that I forgot and something I learned very early in my Atkins diet---that wheat immediately caused me problems upon reintroduction back into my diet and the same with corn and rice yet I continue to eat them. My biggest problem I suspect is that I began eating processed foods again which seem to me to be black holes of undisclosed  ingredients many with ambiguous names like spices, natural flavorings, artificial flavorings, natural colorings, artificial colorings and are just as likely fillers! I feel it is time for me to get back on track with my original purpose in pursuing this new eating lifestyle, to eliminate a laundry list of bodily complaints. So this week I am getting back on track even though I am currently no longer employed and so don't have very much money to buy what I need but nonetheless I press forward! My thoughts on any future goals for the New Year had to be eliminated too because I went on and on about fighting with hidden ingredients! These hidden ingredients are not part of my goal because I will again eat foods in which I can see what they are made as they will all come in nature's packages! 

JULY 2014

I have been holding my weight at about 200-210 lbs. My weight will occasionally dip down to 195 lbs. which gets me extremely excited but unfortunately my weight does not stay there! I have been battling grains for months, not just wheat, and have come to the conclusion that all grains are mostly not good for me but I love to eat grains so much!

AUGUST 2014

I continue to battle grains and now I have come to understand my face problem may not be grains or may not only be grains...so I am still holding my weight around 195-210 lbs. My face breaks out and I continue to maintain my weight whether or not I eat grains. I am as confused about it all as I have ever been.

SEPTEMBER 2014

I continue to battle grains and now I have come to understand my face problem may not be grains or may not only be grains...so I am still holding my weight around 195-210 lbs. My face breaks out and I continue to maintain my weight whether or not I eat grains. I am as confused about it all as I have ever been.

OCTOBER 2014

NOVEMBER 2014

DECEMBER 2014

GOALS FOR THE NEW YEAR